top 11 review
It has been awhile since I checked in on the American music scene so I thought I’d update you.
*WARNING: THIS POST SPIRALS QUICKLY. STOP IF COLORFUL LANGUAGE OR REFERENCES TO RACE OFFEND YOU*
*…PANSY*
Review
“Touch,” by Amerie. Shakes her ass. Skipped to next song after 15 generous seconds. “Sugar We’re Goin’ Down,” Fall Out Boy. Only white guy on the list, or at least I think he’s white, can’t tell under the rime of dirt. Rants about how he hasn’t washed for days. Or that’s what he should be ranting about because he needs a fucking bath, twenty seconds. “How to Deal,” Frankie Jay. Heavily made up girl writhes and glares while he croons and licks his lips a lot. Ten seconds.
“These Boots Were Made for Walkin’.” Jessica “Mouth” Simpson has no talent. Jesus. For what it’s worth, Ashlee Simpson (not listed) is way better than anyone on the list, reference “La La” (”You can throw me like a boomerang/I’ll come back and beat you up”).
“Bonanza (Belly Dancer),” Akon. He licks his lips a lot and some girls shake their asses. Them girls are nasty! And he’s even nastier, fucking gross grabby perv!
[This video reminds me of that club in Okinawa City near the military base. There were five distinct groups of people, who only interacted at the groin when at all. They were, in order of height, Japanese girls dressed like hookers, black girls dressed like hookers, white girls dressed badly, white guys dressed badly, and black guys dressed like thugs. The white girls stood in four-square style groups facing each other, pointedly ignoring everyone else except to glare and/or roll their eyes. The white guys shuffled pathetically and tried to grind on girls, failing consistently. The black guys shuffled and tried to grind on girls, which worked more often because the black girls were down for ass grinding.
The Japanese girls were hilarious. I personally watched one girl who had gotten separated from her Friend Gaggle, as she helplessly backed in a sort of limp-wristed dance across the floor trying to escape from a pursuing grinder, looking around desperately for someone to rescue her. She couldn’t think of a reason to say no to him, since attracting him was precisely what she had accessorized for in the first place, but upon having attracted him her life’s purpose was thrown into turmoil as she realized she really didn’t want him to grind on her ass or get anywhere near her…this existential conflict could be read on her face. I laughed out loud and then turned around to tell some guy to get the fuck away from my butt.
In fact people often seem to consider my butt an open topic for free discussion. My butt has led people to believe {and express said belief out loud} that I am of mixed origins, either black or Latina, which I consider quite a compliment except they were pretty much just talking about my butt. The woman who cuts my hair made cupping motions. Anyway, I don’t want to talk about it. That club was totally lame. I am officially done with hip-hop for good and anybody who touches my butt is getting a beating.]
“Players Only.” “Stoopid” R “Us” Kelly has no skills, licks his lips a lot (is lip-licking the new crotch grab?), some girls writhe and shake their asses. “I wanna see ya move like da ocean” piece of lameass bullshit trying to appeal to da fellas, whuuut? Stupid shimmy-girls deserve him and their lot in life, wish I could sink the whole yacht party. Pisses me off. Deserves a beating.
“Cool,” Gwen Stefani. Not that great but the video is okay and it is in fact the only piece of not complete shit on this list. She has a nice smile. She does writhe a lot for a story about heartache. Tolerable.
“Twist It,” Olivia. Some guy talks about hittin’ girls and either that guy is named Olivia or the oiled-up writhing girl in the background mistakenly gave him all the lines so she could sing the stupidass refrain while shaking her ass. Really fucking stupid, a beating is too good.
“We Belong Together,” Mariah Carey. Nice pipes, why does she sing the same three fucking chords all the time? while writhing. Insipid, but kinda throws me back to junior high by the fact that she’s still alive and squirming.
“Someday (I Will Understand).” Britney. This girl is looking healthily round and fat, and will soon be on the cover of baby magazines world-wide with interviews with themes like “Britney shares invaluable never-before-heard insights on what it’s like to have a baby.” Anyways, in her new role as barefoot, pregnant and too old for the biz, she writhes but doesn’t shake her ass so much which is probably a good thing because we wouldn’t want her to go into early labor on camera. Ick. And awful, how in hell did that ever even join the race for number one? Of course, in comparison to what did win…
“Wake Up.” Hilary Duff dresses, sings and mixes exactly like Avril Lavigne, only with less punk and subsequently less character to make her at all interesting. Costume changes, ballad about clubbing, sings in a monotone, shakes her “white girl butt,â€? writhes a lot, blah blah whatever. She and Senior Simpson have that in common. And the complete lack of skills. I wanna see them punch each other in the face.
Conclusion
As punishment for being the worst offenders among a list of talentless fucks I propose that Mouth Simpson and S.R.U. Kelly be locked in a room together for at least the rest of eternity with a karaoke machine that only plays opera. During meals of sweet green tea-flavored Cup Noodle they will watch stand-up comedy by Mariah and Britney alternating with a poetry slam between Hilary and Mr. Olivia. Amerie is assigned a 10-page paper on the history of anything. Fall Out Boy has to take a bath. Frankie Jay and Akon have to get naked together. Stefani gets off with a warning.
As for me, I sacrifice my music reviewing career in disgust, except I might start busting rhymes about being an ESL teacher and start a feud with ESL educators in other countries for a small but burgeoning subculture audience.*
*See article Rap Marketing Comes to Nerdcore.
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