redefined goals
Or alternatively, “empty chairs at empty tables.” Where did the entire staffroom disappear to? Do I hear an assembly in the gym? Well, it’s a good thing I no longer give a shit about whether they include me in stuff here at school…
Briefly considered going home there, upon being ditched yet again at my desk without notice, but I think they tend to notice if you disappear and I’m not trying to make enemies.
The turning point was the school festival. I’m sure I could have tried harder to insert myself into preparations, but the truth is I never had much idea what was going on, when I asked to help they said things were fine thanks, and I felt too uncomfortable to just walk into a room and tell them to let me join. Plus, another little bit of honesty: I was afraid to offer my services too freely and get roped into a ton of thankless gruntwork, taking up all my free time with potentially little reward. Commitment fears blah blah.
Anyway, they didn’t ask and I didn’t volunteer loudly enough, and to top it off they didn’t ask me to be in the teacher’s play because my Japanese is not good enough, and I was hurt. And since the school is an organization and not a person, there is nobody to address this feeling to, so over the last couple weeks I’ve decided without deciding that I’m just not going to try very hard to be part of things anymore. Being buddy-buddy with the teachers is not why I came here anyway.
Which isn’t to say I don’t care about my classes. On the contrary, I think caring less about what teachers think is allowing me to concentrate more fully on trying to improve my classes, both in content and in how I relate to students. My goal is to have my classes be more interesting, and to be as responsive and interactive a teacher as possible, surpassing the language barrier to the best of my ability. If I can do that I will consider this year well spent.
As far as goals go, I don’t really care about learning Japanese anymore either. I will take the correspondence course like last year, and I still look things up and ask questions, but unless (ever hopeful) things take a wild turn I probably won’t spend much time learning to write kanji.
Because in a year, I’ll be gone. I’m pretty sure. Believe it or not I actually have some reservations about leaving. What if I don’t find another good job? This job is pretty sweet to be giving up. And it would definitely be nice to see some of my favorites graduate; Mami-chan, Fuyuko and Chisato, Chihomi and Akiko, Chiyo.
But I can’t stay for them, and the thought of a third year of Sailing: Lesson 4, Who’s Calling, Please? about makes my decision for me. Please god no. Only so many more winters I can stand to freeze and breathe kerosene. To be semi-conversational and barely literate. The facial expressions of blank confusion and an extra 40 minute wait at the bank upon submitting two pieces of paper in the wrong order. The giant cockroaches.
And yet, still I wonder, is it worse than what I will go back to? After all, I’ve only met one person in Japan so far who professes not to believe in evolution. On the whole, people are more polite and more thoughtful, that’s a welcome change from the boorish average back home.
Yes, there are things about Japan I would definitely like to take home, and I guess in an alternate reality another year isn’t even completely out of the question…but the prospect of staying indefinitely makes me quake in my shoes; thus the waning interest in Japanese language studies.
So, where to next?
12. Grad school for geology.
Because geology is sexy.
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I cry tears of sadness because that link does not lead to me.